She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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