Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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