So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
