Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
