Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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