I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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