Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
