Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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