dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
