tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
