New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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