You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Semen is not good for contacts.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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