i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
