I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize