onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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