cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
