They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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