you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
