On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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