I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
