I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
