I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So squirting runs in the family.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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