I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
as a side note pls kill me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
