I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
