Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My life is pants optional.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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