At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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