Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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