I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
