Umm I'm too high to move.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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