I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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