I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
