this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
