theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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