If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
