You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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