24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize