He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
