Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
