Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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