Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize