hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
