Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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