I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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