he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
