I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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