I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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