I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
