Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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