i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
