she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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