He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
