do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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